Jokes

[Chris]

some new moves for a Monday morning :-)
http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=713&id=1

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by Chris
some new moves for a Monday morning :-)
http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=713&id=1

Nice one ! Had me jigging about in my seat (or maybe I just wanted to go to the loo.....!)

[Chris]

Originally posted by Bardsey
Had me jigging about in my seat (or maybe I just wanted to go to the loo.....!)

LOL!

[Chris]

Here's one a close friend texted me today . . .

"Prince Charles to his valet: 'No, no, I said sack my cook!!'"

[psyc0diver]

Originally posted by Chris
Here's one a close friend texted me today . . .

"Prince Charles to his valet: 'No, no, I said sack my cook!!'"

That one was a Slick willy (Bill Clinton) joke first

[DavidB]

• Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
• Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
• When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
• Stick a post-it that says "Out to Lunch" on your forehead
• In a male colleagues' diary, write in: “10am: See how I look in tights".
• To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
• Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your trousers and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

[psyc0diver]

Originally posted by DavidB

• Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
  trousers and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

----------------------------------

sit staring into space, occasionally sayin "judgement day is comming, comming soon" and for some strange reason - no-one bothers you

[Dreadful Scathe]

Originally posted by psyc0diver
That one was a Slick willy (Bill Clinton) joke first

but why would Monica Lewinski, who was merely an intern, have the power to sack his cook - she wouldnt ...therefore the joke was wasted on Mr.Clinton and rightfully claimed by our next King.

[Boomer]

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They get talking and Bill Says: 'I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately-I sure would like to get together with her!'
Hugh: 'Well Bill, ever since the publicity she got from the "meeting" I had with her, her price has gone through the roof.'
Bill (with a smug chuckle): 'Well Hugh, you know that money really isn't a problem with me. What's her number?
So bill gets her number and sets up a date. Bill and Divine meet up after they finish, Bill, lying there in a blissful state having a fag, whispers: 'God, that was great! Now I know why they call you Divine.'
To which Divine replies: 'Why thank you, Bill-and I finally got to know why you chose the name Microsoft!!'

[Pammy]

I've heard an even better one. Hugh Grant whispers into Liz Hurley ear SHHHhhhhhh...

actually, you kind of lose it on a thread; I'll tell you the rest tomorrow night on the dance floor

Px

[Sheepman]

Oops

Gx

(PS first posted by DavidB)

[Alfie]

Small girl is taken to see Santa.

Santa:- Hello little girl what would you like for Christmas?

Girl:- I want a Barbie and an Action Man please.

Santa:- Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?

Girl:- Oh no Santa, Barbie comes with Action Man she fakes it with Ken!!!!!

[psyc0diver]

Does someone you know fit into one or more of these catergories?

The 9 types of men.....

1. Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, okay?"
Also Known As: Mr. Nice Guy, Family Man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

2. Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.
Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also Known As: Grumbles, Sour-Puss, Stick-in-the-Mud, Old Fogey, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Pain in the butt

3. Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also Known As: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

4. Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin." "
Also Known As: Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, The Hulk
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

5. Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also Known As: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Hobo, Bum, Sleepyhead
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

6. The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also Known As: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, SOB
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

7. Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like
crazed weasels."
Also Known As: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

8. The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't
know how, but--"
Also Known As: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Story Teller, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

9. Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love
like crazed weasels in my new yacht."
Also Known As: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction


The 9 types of women

1. Ms. Nice Gal - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh darling, you
shouldn't have."
Also Known As: What a Girl, Precious, One of the Boys, Doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.

2. Old Yeller - "You spineless good-for-nothing no- talent SOB!
Can't you see you're making me miserable?"
Also Known As: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, Throws frying pans

3. Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps."
Also Known As: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

4. The Boss - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a
haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also Known As: Whipcracker, Sergeant, Ms. Know-it-All, Ball and Chain
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

5. Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch
my career, goals, home, or hair colour?"
Also Known As: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

6. Wild Woman - "I've got an idea. Let's get drunk and make love on
the front lawn. I've done it before. It's fun!"
Also Known As: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Unconscious
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

7. Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
snickering at"
Also Known As: No Fun, Humorless, Cold Fish, Iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.

8. Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain
how I feel about our relationship"
Also Known As: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.

9. Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you
are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I want to make love to you
like a crazed weasel."
Also Known As: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, The One
Advantages: Funny, Intelligent, Uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.

[Bardsey]

So here are 3 belters!

According to a news report, a certain private school in Edinburgh recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were putting on lipstick. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the janitor would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the
head decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors. There are teachers, and then there are educators.

************************************************** **
> >
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You
know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."
> > >
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops". WHACK!!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?! "I don't know," he blubbers,"but you can bet your f***ing life it won't be Coco Pops"

************************************************** **

And finally...
You gotta love a good beer slogan.............................
The latest Becks Beer advert in Scotland (displayed in pubs etc) is
as follows:

'YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE POSH TO SWALLOW BECKS'

[Sheepman]

Originally posted by Bardsey
TO SWALLOW BECKS'

Will I be able to look a beer in the face again?

I've a feeling that not everyone will like this one!

An English rugby fan, a Australian rugby fan and a New Zealand fan are all in Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day, their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The New Zealander was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with the pain.

The Australian was next up. After watching the Kiwi's horror he said smugly:
"Please fix two pillows to my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Aussie was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The English man was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:

"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the gent replied.
In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his
face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"?

"Tie the Aussie to my back."

Greg

[Bardsey]

A small Wild Animal Park in Mississippi acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Eddie Standen, a Carolina redneck who was a part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.
Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for
$500.00? Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The
park administrator quickly agreed to this condition. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed. And last of all Eddie stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."

[ChrisA]

Originally posted by Bardsey
A small Wild Animal Park in Mississippi acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.

No obvious Boomer jokes, please, while he's not here to defend himself.

......oh all right, then

[Bardsey]

Originally posted by ChrisA
No obvious Boomer jokes, please, while he's not here to defend himself.

......oh all right, then

it's the only time I can say things and not get a quick rebuke back! It's bliss!!

[Chris]

. . .

[ChrisA]

Originally posted by Chris
. . .

Not every day please